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Apr. 20th, 2011

hooray for me & fuck you


(no subject)

"We use the Oxford comma in this house." -- me

"It's time for one of my metaphors--are you ready?" -- Austin

"I'm glad to know that despite having known many of you for many many years, I am nothing but a caricature to you." -- Sam

"Shut up. Get away from me. I love you." -- me, to Joe

me: Will I look like a hoor if my bra straps show?
Joe: You live in a college town. It's like a soft-core porn out there.

Overheard in Ragstock:
"Do you, like, have any, like... Indian stuff? Like feathers or like a headband something?" -- v. blonde white girl

Joe: I'm gonna turn on the second alarm.
me: (Half asleep) I'm gonna rip your entrails out your asshole.
Joe: You're being mean this morning!
me: Have you met me before?

Anna: No! No cannibalism in the restaurant. ::takes Marie's butter knife::
Marie: ::tries to reclaim knife:: Double standard! She tried to bite me!

Sam: My life is one long joke and I hope to die before the punch line.
Anna: What if it's the best punch line in the world?
Sam: I don't want to hear it.

Riley: Delia, you missed the best pun ever.
L: You don't need to repeat it. I will punch you in the face if you repeat it.
An: I will punch you in every genital you own.
Riley: But--
An: Every. Genital. You own.

Joe: I can't let you walk: it's cold, you'll get sick.
me: And then I'll get you sick.
Joe: And then I'll kill you and be sad because I don't have a girlfriend!
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Mar. 27th, 2011

Iä! Iä!


(no subject)

While watching the beginning of Terminator 2
Da: Tsst tsst.
Da: Tsst tsst!
me: What?
Da: Watch. (Arnold Schwarzenegger appears with a snapcrackle of electricity) SEE? Tsst tsst!

me: You forget your keys, you forget the water…
Mum: That’s because I’m s--
me: Senile?
Mum: --so excited about wearing my cute hat! What did you say?

Da: Do you want ice cream?
me: Not right now.
Da: Not right now?
me: I’m too full.
Da: Look, do you think I keep offering to feed you because I think you’re still hungry? I’m doing it to show that I care.
me: Oh. Thanks.
(Two minutes later.)
Da: Do you want an orange?

Anna: Usually when you get really drunk you go for the knives, but that night you went for the Joe.
me: I wasn’t that drunk.
Sam: You were pretty drunk.
me: I was sleepy! And then I drank.
Austin: When you get sleepy at parties you just sleep in the middle of the party. We’ve all been there!

Feb. 21st, 2011

busy signal


(no subject)

Kammerud: Don’t you want magic orgasms?
Gord: I don’t need any more magic than I got.

Da: Where are you going to live?
me: I’m going to stay in Iowa.
Da: Iowa again?! You graduated, get over it! What is there to even eat over there?
me: There’s SO MUCH. And I still have friends there!
Da: Pff, friends. They’re not going to feed you.
me: Actually they have a habit of doing just that.

Nick: What’s going on?
Kammerud: I was just explaining why I won’t be eating dairy when I’m at home.
Jei: It’s… No, it’s terrible.
Nick: People should just do what makes them happy.
Kammerud: Right, exactly.
Nick: And dairy makes people happy.

"EVERYONE keeps Thin Mints in the freezer; it’s America’s favorite pastime." -- Joe

Salon Monkey: Is your boyfriend white?
me: Yes.
SM: I think blacks are cool.

me: Goodnight.
Salvador: Moomin? Did you say something about Moomins?
me: I said, “Goodnight.” You’re obsessed with Moomin.
Salvador: It’s what I heard. I have good memories about Moomin.

me: Oh, I changed my hair!
Da: Do you look like a crazy bitch again?

"I always forget. I always forget that Jei can't smell, and that Chris can't eat... anything." -- Nick

Kammerud: I don’t understand [why everyone is always spitting.]
me: Maybe they are full of phlegm.
Kammerud: I’ve never seen a country so full of phlegm!

“Agh. I don’t know. There’s something dirty about these people. MAYBE IT’S THEIR IMMORALITY.” – Joe

“Why do you hate poking me on Facebook.” -- Joe

Jan. 18th, 2011

sarah & joe


(no subject)

Stephanie: I didn't know a girl could get cock blocked.
Sarahtron: We just get clam jammed.


Jan. 11th, 2011

hooray for me & fuck you



Christian: I’m going to sit on the floor because it’s warm.
Kara: I’m going to punch your head because it’s big.

me: < Could you hold off for a sec? I'm really ticklish there. >
EJ (tattooist): < Ticklish? What a scary woman. SCARY WOMAN. >

"There’s always time to go crazy." -- Nick

Kammerud: Don’t dolphins rape people?
Nick: Ye-heah!
Kammerud: Why did you get so excited about that?

me: Hm?
Joe: Fuck you!

"This isn’t my first rodeo show, dear." -- Joe

Dec. 26th, 2010



(no subject)

mother: < Did you poo? >
4-6-year-old kid: < Yeah, but I didn't wash my hands with soap. >
mother: < Oh, did you just wash them with water? >
kid: < Yes. >
mother: < It's okay, you can wash them with soap when we get home. >
kid: < Noooo, I have to do it nooowwww! >

< I know what you're thinking: "I came here to get exercise, not to drink!" But drinking is how people become friends. > -- ChanJae-oppa

"I wasn't born like this, you know. It took a while for me to like Hello Kitty." – Nick

Nick: Who ordered the chicken?
me: I did.
Nick: How are you going to go vegetarian, Jei? You love meat.
Kammerud: You want to go vegetarian?
me: Well, I thought about it--
Kammerud: "But all these delicious animals keep dying in front of me! I just can't help myself!"

Kammerud: Can I sit there?
Ama: You can sit in my lap, big boy.
Kammerud: What?
Ama: I said, "You can sit in my lap, big boy." Sorry.
Kammerud: Don't apologize, I'm attractive.

"The food I make is tasty, but it's so oversalted that you need to drink a lot of water or you'll dehydrate and die." -- Nick

Nick: Wow, I'm surprised; you don't look thirty.
Kammerud: No, I don't.
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Nov. 5th, 2010



(no subject)

"TongTong and LingLing. LingLing is dead. But where's TongTong? TongTonnnggg!" -- Thai-An

me: http://cuteoverload.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/144879951_b5783c4fdb_b.jpg?w=560&h=390
Joe: What is this, terrifying overload?
me: It's adorable!
Joe: It has bug-eyes!
me: That gaze imploringly up at you!
Joe: Striking fear into my heart.

Gord: I'm going to ask her for a culture -- they call them babies.
Kammerud: This is getting creepier.
Ben: Deaths, eating babies...

"You had. Your road. And then. You jellyfished me." -- Kara, to Xian

me: I think I see a -- ...
Sanko: Were you about to say, "a white guy"?
me: Um.
Sanko: You RACIST.

"I see him, too. I don't think we're all hallucinating the same white guy." -- Kammerud

showing off my awesome stationery collection
me: Jja-jaaannn! (K-version of "Ta-daa!")
Mom: What, don't jja-jaan about that. You're buying stickers and starving to death; that's nothing to jja-jaan about.

"I just wasted so much ATP. Now my body has to produce MORE! (It was going to anyway.)" -- Joe
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Aug. 3rd, 2010



...I'll give you three guesses as to who I talk to the most, and the first two don't count.

Students, upon seeing Joe: Teacher, boyfriend?!
me: Yes.
Students: Oh, handsome!
me, some distance away: Yeah, that’s right, girls, I’m tappin’ that.

Mom: Your hair looks like a crazy person’s. Were you sleeping?
me: No.
Mom: Were you exercising?
me: No.
Mom: What were you doing, then?
me: I was watching a movie! This is just what my hair looks like!


“You wouldn’t know. You’d just be full of hamster strength.” -- Joe

Joe: Yeah, you take that sock off.
me: I was putting it back on.

“If I can’t quantify it, I’m gonna kill it. As a geologist, that’s my motto.” –- Joe

“Well, piggies have to be pink. Piggies ARE pink." -- Joe, angrily

Student, upon hearing her homeroom teacher outside: Oh, I hate his voice. He sound like Gargamel.
me: Who?
Student: Do you know... Smurfs? Small, blue...
me: The blue guys, yeah.
Student: In show, Gargamel try to EAT Smurfs. His voice like that.
me: Ohh. He sounds like the bad guy's voice actor.
Student: Yes. He is Gargamel, and we... are Smurfs.

“Two years and... ten months? Two months? I can’t do the math. I don’t even want to; I’m not in school.” – Joe

“I forgot what I was saying before you offended me.” -- Joe

“I just won the whole bet. You owe me coffee AND sex.” -- Joe

Jul. 10th, 2010

sarah &amp; joe


It's not a bad line to enter your home with...

Colleen: [greeting me as I step in the door] "How are you?"
Sarah: "Ah, I saw a great movie."
Colleen: "What?!"
Sarah: "...I saw a great movie..."
Colleen: "Oh. I thought you said, "Ah, you dishonor me."

Jun. 30th, 2010



(no subject)

Student A: I saw Jessica-teacher this morning on the way to school! See, she recognizes me. Aren't you jealous?
Student B: Well, I get to see her on the way home every day. I look at her on the subway.
me: Uh.
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